There is just so much on my mind now all the time, and it never goes away. Some things are major, others aren't, some are current issues, others are future. They just plague my mind day in and day out.
Number 1: I know it's not important right now but I can't help but think of relationships and guys. I want one, but not just anyone, someone who is actually worth something. Someone that has goals for themselves, who has something going for them, who is working toward a career goal, who values education and will make sure they have a good one, who has a vehicle and license. I'm tired of being stuck in relationships where I'm always the one putting forth an effort, being the one that has money and has to pay for everything, the dominant one. I want to have a partner that's my equal, that will pamper me, that won't expect me to pick up the bill, that will randomly surprise me with gifts, who will come pick me up to take me on a date, someone I can actually enjoy being with. For too long I have lowered my standards, now it's time to raise them and not take anything less than what I deserve. Now just to find to find someone that fits my wants/needs. I have to keep telling myself that I'm young and that I will find someone, but here I am 20 and see people I went to school with getting married and having kids. It's a bit discouraging, but I think the best thing for me to do would be to get away from here.
Number 2: I am having the hardest time in the world finding a job. Who knew that it would be so hard to find a job as an RN. Mom and Dad aren't helping much either, they just keep pushing me and pushing me and I'm close to breaking. I'm trying my hardest applying for jobs, just one at a time cause I don't want to have to say yes to one then get a better offer somewhere else. I applied for two at Angel, and it took them 1 month to get back to me which royally pissed me off, especially after calling several times and going up there even. I applied at Harris today for a Mother/Baby job, just waiting to hear back, and going to apply at Mission for a Maternal Fetal Med Unit night position. Not sure what it is but it has to do with pregnancy and I'll jump on it. Anything to get me a job, working, experience, and money. I'm so tired of being broke. Dad keeps guilt tripping me because I keep having to ask for money. I feel guilty but there's nothing I can do about it, I keep applying, but no one will hire me :(
Number 3: School. I'm nearing the end of my school career, which scares me. School is all I have ever known, and now I've got one more semester left and I'll be done. I just don't feel like I'll know what to do with myself when I am done. This is my last semester at SCC, and I'm going to miss it. I've had such a wonderful experience, I can't see how anyone else hasn't. I've had the most amazing teachers, I've loved all my classes, and couldn't imagine having a better experience anywhere else. I'll probably always end up going back to school. I love it too much not to.
Number 4: I've been contemplating moving from Sylva. I know eventually I am going to, it's just a matter of when. If I can't find a job near Sylva soon then I'm going to have to move away sooner than I planned. Farthest I will move until post-BSN will be Asheville though. I'm hoping I'll get the M/B job at Harris, but we'll see. After I get my BSN I want to move to the Outer Banks, or near there, just somewhere near the ocean. But that all depends on if I find someone here and settle down, which isn't looking too good, but I'm still hoping for moving to the beach :)
Number 5: My niece was hospitalized on August 2nd for a 2 inch tear in her stomach. A lot of shit has happened since then, it was found that she had 4 broken ribs and that she has been abused. Ever since then things have gone downhill, not her health, she continues to improve every day, but her family is not allowed to see her, the abuser unfortunately has not been charged with anything which is complete bullshit. Her mother is not allowed to see her without supervision, I haven't been able to see her since I left for vacation, and I don't get to see my other niece because of all of this. DSS has some good reasons for existing, but right now they are on my shit list. They take away kids from homes that they don't need to, yet they'll leave the ones that are getting abused to the point they die. I just don't get it! I'm not impressed with my county's DSS, and I think they need to get their shit together and not put my niece and her family on the back burner. It's fucking ridiculous, they are suppose to help save, protect, and conserve families, yet they are ripping that one apart. I just wish there was something I could do, it's awful to feel useless.
That's just a few things that have been plaguing my mind these past few weeks, there's so much more but my mind is running on fumes. Maybe soon things will start to turn around, I really need them to. :(
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