6 months

Well today made 6 months, Derek and I took a trip to Asheville to celebrate. Went to the mall, drove around, and I bought an iPad finally. Relationship hasn't really progressed much, not like I thought it would. I find myself wanting more and more, more than he's willing to give at the moment. I've even come to the realization that I've fallen in love. Of course since he hasn't said it, I'm too afraid to tell him. I wrote him a letter, but then decided not to give it to him. I just don't know how to go about things with him. I've never been in a relationship like this. I mean I hope it's not all for nothing. I do want to settle down, get married, mad have kids, but I'm just so unclear about what he wants. He's always hinted at the fact that he doesn't want kids, but I don't know if I'm really okay with that. I don't know if he would ever change his mind. I was telling a friend the other day that if I did somehow get pregnant I wouldn't make him stay with me, I'd probably leave so he wouldn't have to worry about anything, I wouldn't make him be a part of it, no child support, wouldn't even tell people who the dad is. I'd leave it all up to him, give him a free out so to speak. I really do care about him, he's the best boyfriend I have ever had. He doesn't use me, hurt me, or degrade me. He's actually helped my self-esteem and made me happy again. A year ago I couldn't go a day without crying, now I smile and it's actually a genuine smile. I know he cares about me, I just don't know how much. I want to take our relationship to a more physical level but I can't even remember the last time we made out... I don't know if it's me or what, but I want more... He seems to always shy away. He's told me some things before that makes me think he's afraid or embarrassed, but I care about him. We could make it work. I just don't know what to do, because I obviously can't talk to him. Yesterday we were on the couch and we're kissing, well I was getting deep into it then he pulled away all of a sudden. It sort of upset me and he could tell and kept asking me what was wrong, told him nothing and he could tell I was lying. But how do you tell someone, who obviously doesn't want to go that far, that you want to be closer? He poked and prodded me to tell him what was wrong. Eventually he just started asking me if I was mad (no), sad (no), then he said lonely, I didn't answer that one exactly... I just kissed him very deeply a few seconds then he pulled away yet again. I have a feeling he got the message because for one he pulled away, and two he didn't bring it up again. I just, I don't know. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but in could be so much happier...