So many thoughts in my head at the moment. Derek and I have been seeing each other for a week now. I'm not really sure how to take this relationship, so much different from what I'm use to. We've kissed and that's as far as he's taken it. It is a nice change but also kind of makes me think that he doesn't want me or just doesn't see it going anywhere, but at the same time I'm too afraid to bring it up with him. It's probably just me being paranoid. We talked the other night about how we thought everything was going well and that we were both happy with each other and enjoy each others company. Several things he has said make me think that he wants something different in the future than I do. While I love being able to say I have a boyfriend and I really enjoy being around Derek (he is a lot like me), I don't want to start something that won't go anywhere in the future and leave me in extreme disappointment. All this stems down to everyone around me getting married, having babies, etc. I'm still so scared that I won't be able to have kids. I want to settle down and have kids one day, but at the same time I don't want to rush into anything. Kind of a double edge sword. I really like him and don't want to screw things up, but I have a feeling that I may have already. He's already gotten mad at me once, and I got upset because I was disappointed by my own fault. I am just so confused at how I feel. Being out of the dating loop for 2 years doesn't help either. The more I think about this the worse I feel.
But he has proven himself to definitely be one of a kind, he is a true gentleman, more so than most guys these days. He's a great kisser, gives me butterflies each time, but then again even just thinking about him gives me butterflies. He really is teaching me a lot, especially outlook of life, which is definitely a new thing for me. I really want this to go somewhere, I don't want to fuck it up. I enjoy spending time with him, we may have a difference in movies, but we do have the same taste in music. I love cuddling up to him and I love him holding me, it makes me feel like nothing bad can happen and that I have no worries. He makes me feel good about myself, doesn't allow me to put myself down, and compliments me. He's even trying to get me to go to the gym with him and stuff, but I'm to self conscious for that right now. Especially since he goes with work friends. I actually want to make myself better for him, whereas before I really didn't care about myself.
I think I may just be paranoid, and I'm definitely over thinking this because we are in the very EARLY dating stages, so I need to learn to sit back, relax, and forget how the previous relationships went. They are irrelevant, and Derek said he doesn't care about my past. With my history that is such a relief. I can definitely learn to have an outlook on life like he does. Boy do I have a lot to learn and relearn. But I can't wait to get to know him :)
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